Confidence, Is It All Just An Act?

Confidence. What do you think of when you hear the words self confidence or self-esteem? Maybe you envision a head of steam moving into a challenging task or a feeling of strong motivation with some assurance of success. These feelings and perceptions are inspiring and certainly help us to get up and going on difficult projects. However, there is a misperception endemic in our society that directly interferes with the cultivation of these very feelings. That is the belief that the feelings of confidence need to come before confident actions. Often we await what feels like a divine gift to land on us that inspires us to start working towards our next goal. You want to start lifting weights but you just don’t feel like it and the thought of being judged by other gym members keeps you on the couch. You want to start writing but find yourself drawn back into doom scrolling on social media. You tell yourself that what you have to write won’t resonate anyways with whoever reads it. You want to be more social but every time you think of hitting up your friends to get together you get anxious and decide that you’ll stay home instead. When we rely on our thoughts and feelings, we are relying on something incredibly fickle and liable to change over the course of seconds. It’s like a construction crew waiting to break ground until the weather is cool and clear but abandoning the project the moment it starts to rain. Confidence is earned through sustained action in accord with our values, independent of the thoughts and feelings we have about ourselves in the process. Our mind is inevitably going to have lots to say about how now isn’t a good time or we might fail. We might feel tired and “unmotivated.” Choice is outsourced to the whims of neuro-chemical firing and we await for the stars of our mind and body to align. Confidence redefined, however, allows for the appearance of insecure thoughts and feelings, so that we are freed to act confidently. Embracing thoughts and feelings means not fighting them but accepting that they are there while not buying into what they are telling you. Your mind may be predicting almost certain failure and yet you can thank your mind for being so watchful and participate in the next moment. This is not faking it ‘til you make it like we might do when we try to ignore how we feel or mask it. No, this is an authentic engagement with our mind, body, and action so that whatever shows up we make space for as we venture closer towards our goals. This is not suppression in that we expend precious energy trying not to have painful thoughts or feelings or trying to think positively, but this is about changing our relationship with those thoughts and feelings so that they shift from primary to secondary in our awareness. 

On a recent hiking trip with my brothers in the Mountains of Montana we got into a bad rain storm. We were wet and no amount of rain gear was keeping the rain out. However, we needed to get back to base camp by dark where we hoped our tents were still standing. As much as we wanted to be warm and dry it wouldn’t have made sense to stop and spend time trying to build a fire with wet wood or hunker under a tree. The rain showed no sign of relenting and we had camp to reach. We were drenched and trying to fight it was only going to prolong our misery. There was no talking ourselves out of how uncomfortable we were; it just sucked. However, we clarified our resolve to keep going and accepted the discomfort of being wet and cold. Doing so enabled us to get one step after another closer to the warmth of a dry tent and sleeping bag. So when you find yourself drenched with the storms of fear and anxieties about where you are going, see if you can allow the rains to fall and take the next step towards your goal. In doing so, you will likely start to naturally feel more confident as you show yourself that you are more capable than you once thought.